Sometimes I get classified information in my capacity as a trusted, vetted, security-investigated Pentagon Correspondent, albeit a Brit, and normally I would not impart any of this secret intelligence to anyone else. But there are some bits of intelligence which I feel the wider public needs to know. So, here goes, brace yourself. There is a CIA facility in Virginia, not the HQ at Langley, whose location I am not able to divulge which has a very special department known only within the intelligence community of which, of course, I am now a member, well a sort of associate member. The secret department is a gift shop and I am reliably informed by a contact who has to remain anonymous but I can assure you he is very much of the intelligence community, that in this said gift shop it is possible for a visitor to come away with a mug with the following letters inscribed on it: CIA. I'm not kidding. If I play my cards right I could get a CIA mug. The unfortunate thing is that the only people who will know for sure that I have acquired this mug from a CIA facility and not from some street seller who has mugs with every kind of inscription, including WH (White House), BO (Barak Obama), GWB (George W Bush) and OW (Oprah Winfrey), are of course inmates of the Central Intelligence Agency. But I want everyone to know that if ever you spot me drinking coffee, tea or hot chocolate from a large white mug with the letters CIA on it, you will know for sure that it has been purchased/purloined from a certain CIA facility in Virginia, the US of A!
I haven't lived in the US for long enough or spread my wings far enough within this great country to become an expert in the different ways and traditions of each of the states. But here's how to behave on a beach on the west side of Chesapeake Bay in Maryland. When you arrive at North Beach, for example, you are handed a list which makes it clear that while you are welcome to swim and sunbathe, and even talk and breathe, there are certain rules and regulations which have to be observed (the words in brackets are mine, not the Maryland beach authorities): "Thongs, g-strings, swiss strings or micro bikinis are not permitted on beach, pier, boardwalk, park or parking lot (very disappointing obviously), disorderly, ill-mannered conduct or drunkenness will not be tolerated and will result in dismissal from the beach areas (Sir, you are diasmiassed!), fireworks are prohibited at all times (Sir, whatyamean it's Guy Fawkes night and who the hell's Guy Fawkes?), no smoking (quite right), no fish-cleaning on beach (well, that's a relief), no alcohol (see disorderly conduct), no tents or overnight sleeping (but all the B&Bs are full!), no coolers larger than nine quarts (that's cool), and, above all, no loitering (pardon me?!!), ah said, no loitering (what constitutes loitering on a beach? Standing oggling perhaps, although remember there are no micro-whatsits, or walking slowly from one end to the other, or strolling towards the water maybe!). Anyway you get the picture, there's no messing on a Maryland beach.
American friends came round for dinner the other night. After eating, the question was raised, do we stay where we are in the dining room talking or go to the sitting room where it's more comfortable. No decisive answer. So I said: "Well, let's go next door then." One of the American friends replied, a little bemused: "Are they expecting us?" Boom boom.
Did I mention I've met the future President of the United States? No, not Mitt Romney or Rick Perry but Herman Cain, Pizza King and author of the 999 policy. That's nine per cent payroll tax, nine per cent retail sale tax and nine per cent corporate sales tax. It's such a catchy idea that he's currently at the top of the Republican presidential candidate polls at the moment. That's all you need in this wonderful country to be able to join the bandwagon for the White House. You could be a 5ft circus cannon ball who eats broccoli and chips and nothing else and lives in a shack in Colorado but if you have an idea that rings well with the voters then you could be President of the US. Well, that's a slight exaggeration, you need some money and supporters and a campaign team and at least some notion that Afghanistan is not Argentina and that Iraq is not Iran. But Herman Cain has got away with a large slab of ignorance - actually he just admits he hasn't a clue when he hasn't a clue, so don't ask him about Afghanistan - but push your 999 idea and wham it's a goer. Well he walked into my office the other week for a video interview with one of the reporters and shook our hands. I assumed then he had as much chance of becoming President of the USA as Sarah Palin. But he has made a fortune from pizzas and if he has a good recipe for pizzas, perhaps he has a recipe for solving America's economic problems. Perhaps he is unaware of the fact, though, that back in good old England, 999 means HELP!
