Language continues to play a fun part of my life here. Try this one, recently at Trader Joe's, the upper supermarket where all the staff are always overjoyed to see you and to wish you every happiness in your shopping, it's kinda shmaltzy but you get used to it and generally feel a sort of warm glow as you buy your nut clusters, your peanut butter cups (oooh yummy), your onions the size of water melons and sip the latest wine sample from the Napa Valley.
"Excuse me, do you have any prawns?"
"Prunes?"
"No, prawns."
Total mystery on the part of the Trader Joe employee. She turned to a colleague. "Jou get that?"
"He means praaans."
"You mean praaans?" she asked me.
Slight hesitation.
"Eh, yes, praaans. Do you have any praaans?"
"No."
"Thanks."
Actually they had plenty of shrimps on another counter, and back in UK those shrimps I think would be selling as praaans, sorry, prawns. Anyway they tasted ok.
In my favourite local restaurant in Alexandria.
"What's the soup today?"
"Tomato and bayzel."
"You mean basil?"
"No, bayzel. we say bayzel.
"OK we'll have two tomato and bayzel."
At the Pentagon.
"The main rowte into Afghanistan has been closed."
"How long will the ROUTE be closed for?" I asked.
Ho ho ho, general laughter.
"He says route, we say rowte."
I am not technically able unfortunately. I had intended to share with you a picture of my companion on the Metro the other day. I took a picture with her/his/its permission. It was a giant, and I mean giant, rabbit, not a real one obviously but a big cuddly made-in-China rabbit (EVERYTHING is made in China, even local novelty tourist specialities, like hand-crafted Red Indian dolls or mini leather wigwams, honestly it's true). The rabbit sat/perched next to me, as good as gold. I didn't hear a psss, or whatever rabbits say, the whole journey but it was kinda cute in a sort of very American way. The girl who belonged to it told me her sister had made it. Yeah right, in her flat in Beijing.
The last few weeks have all been about big big Pentagon defence cuts, the kinda cuts which if carried out by almost any country other than the US of A would reduce its armed forces to a bunch of Boy Scouts on bicycles. But, as is the way with adroit politicians like Mr Leon Panetta, the US Defence Secretary, the cuts are being dressed up as a turning point for the nation when the armed forces can be transformed into a more agile, more adaptable, more resilient fighting machine capable of still waging at least two wars at once. Fewer troops, fewer fighter aircraft, fewer ships but hey small is beautiful, haven't you heard! Much more focus will now be on the US Navy Seals and pregnant women. Sorry, that probably sounds a non-sequiter but it gives me an opportunity to describe the latest wheeze from the US army chiefs who, bless them, have become very worried that in these days of political correctness, they might not have been giving enough attention to pregnant soldiers training with their non-pregnant male counterparts. The chiefs feared there might not be enough empathy from the sergeant-majors shouting their orders in the gymnasium. So training instructors, all of whom will have served at some point in Iraq and/or Afghanistan, have been ordered to wear, wait for it, fake breasts and fake swollen bellies - contained within a natty piece of clothing made in Shanghai (I expect) - for at least three hours to understand the difficulties pregnant soldiers might have in bending down to touch their toes. Big beefy chaps used to wearing flak jackets have not taken kindly to the new orders and photographs of them doing press-ups with - see above - have produced a heep of belly laughs. The US Army chiefs wouldn't be seen dead in the Shanghai outfits.
I expect you're all bored to tears with the US presidential election campaign but there are some great moments amongst the Republican candidates as they attempt to out-argue each other to win the nomination to take on Obama. Half the nation, spurred on by insinuating remarks from the Republicans believe that Obama is a closet Muslim and that the nation's security in his hands is in serious danger. In fact the other way around is true. The nation in the hands of Newt Gingrich would, it seems, bomb pretty well everyone, and under Romney or Santorum it's almost equally scary. Mind you, both being Mormons means that each of them wears magic underpants. No, I haven't a clue what it means but the Washington Post and New York Times tell me that Mormons wear magic underpants. I've asked in every haberdashery for a pair but no one seems to know what they are, what they can do, and where to buy them. I may have to go to Mormon-populated Utah. Did you know, by the way, that the CIA recruits more of its intelligence officers from Utah than anywhere else in the US of A. Mormons are ok CIA material apparently, partly I have no doubt because of the magic underpants, but also because as part of their thing every member of the religion has to be a missionary for two years in some weird part of the world, so they come back speaking fluent Flemish, Norwegian or Tasmanian. Languages are crucial for a career in the CIA, but I bet covert intelligence officers still say praaans, bayzel and rowte.
