Sitting at the back of a bus, an American late teens guy sits down next to me, says excuse me, they always say excuse me, Americans. I say, no problem, Brits in America always say no problem. The following conversation takes place, word for word, promise:
"You from London?"
"Yes."
"Cambridge?"
"No, London."
"Whereabouts in London?"
"Southwest."
"Manchester?"
Total bewilderment on my part.
"No, London."
Total bewilderment on his part.
We change the conversation. This and that. Then he gets up to get off, shakes my hand. "Nice talking to you." Mutual, dear boy, mutual.
It suddenly hit me. After nearly three years in this wonderful superpower country with a deficit the size of the rest of the world's income, I realised what's wrong with everything in the US of A, or put it another way, why they get everything wrong whatever they do. It's geography, stupid. I've sort of mentioned this before I think. This kid, nice manners, gentle soul, well educated I guess, knows he's not allowed to drink alcohol and doesn't - he said so, we were talking about weddings - will probably end up being the President of the United States and still won't know that London is NOT a country. He'll make his first foreign state visit to London, will meet the Queen, sorry Ma'am, probably King by then, will stay at the London Palace, will go to a London football game, probably Premiership leaders QPR, will sip London beer and go back to Washington DC and say to his First Lady: "Well that's London done, such a tiny country." Geography or lack of it puts everything into perspective. It certainly explains all the wars. Geography for Americans is one thing and one thing only - the US of A. There ain't no other place on earth. And if there are other places, they are unfathomable, alien, and above all, not American.
So, Second World War: been going for ages, lots of dead, lots of world-changing events, Nazis dominating Europe, so-called allies suffering and dying for the cause. America? Zilch. sorry guys, no way buddy, we ain't getting our fingers dirty, you sort yourselves out wherever you are, where are you again?" Then bang, Pearl Harbour gets zapped, well Japped actually. What, shouts the President, I know Pearl Harbour, isn't that where we have our all our warships? Get me the Secretary of Defence, yes yes yes, it's war. We can't have them bombing OUR warships. Tell who? Oh yeah, that Churchill chap. Tell him we're coming to win the war for him. Where the hell is Japan anyway?" And so on and so on and so on. Korea, Vietnam, Bosnia, Iraq, Afghanistan, it's all about geography and massive power.
Shock and awe was the greatest phrase ever invented by the US military. The aforementioned countries have all been subjected to US of A shock and awe. I don't want to be a cry baby but shock'nawe don't necessarily work, gentlemen. The Taleban, who still wear flip flops to war, appear to be deeply unimpressed by shock and awe. They - well they were called Mujahidin then - had all that stuff from the Ruskies in the 80's and laughed them back to Moscow. The Brits, by the way, did the opposite. They sent 3,300 troops to Helmand province in 2006, a province which at that time was pure Taleban, unused to interfering foreigners - about 100 Americans were in the capital Lashgar Gah doing humanitarian and school-building stuff but never ventured into Taleban country - and were expected to stand guard, protect the civilian population and not do a lot of fighting unless they had to. Remember Defence Sceretary John Reid's wonderful comment, how he hoped the soldiers wouldn't have to fire a shot in anger? It was unbelievably British, Rorke's Drift stuff, hold fast there, Private, the damn fuzzy wuzzies are coming. Well, as we know the Brits in Helmand got slaughtered. No one has ever properly been blamed for such appalling military and political judgement.
Anyhoo, I digress, back to Geography classes in the US of A. When Ronald Reagan ordered troops to seize the Caribbean island of Grenada from the Commies in 1983 and neglected to tell Mrs T, I know, I KNOW that the former Hollywood B movie star thought Grenada was in Spain which had nothing to do with the Brits. He couldn't possibly have known about Gibraltar, where the hell's Gibraltar!! So, stuff the Spanish, they're probably all Commies, we gotta get this Granada sorted out. It's a miracle that the GIs found themselves heading for the Caribbean and not to "Eurup". Reagan couldn't believe it when Mrs T rang him to say: "Ronnie, what the hell do you think you're doing? This island belongs to the Queen. She is NOT amused." "Margaret, for once you don't know what you're talking about, it's Granada, it's Spain, your Queen rules much of the world but the last time I checked, Spain is not a member of your Commondooda." As he spoke, he was watching ABC News which proved his point. There was a map above the head of the TV presenter which clearly showed the Spanish city of Granada and arrows pointing towards it representing the approaching might of the shock and awe boys.
So, thanks to my bus companion, everything about this great country has to be seen through the Grenada/Granada prism. The world is out there, guys, but you just don't have a clue where it is. Another thing, the world is not centred around the US of A. The President is no longer "the most powerful man on earth". (Right now that man is Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner). Take this little conversation as another example of how even the brightest Americans think. Travelling with an American friend in his car, my BlackBerry goes off. It's The Times in London, could I do this, could I do that, could they pick my brain, could I write 500 words, the usual stuff for a nice Sunday off. I reply and have a chat and agree, sort of.
My American friend: "Were you talking to London?"
"Yep."
"Amazing."
"Sorry?"
"Just like that, could you hear what they were saying?"
"Er, yes."
"Amazing, you sitting here in my car talking on your BlackBerry to someone in London."
"I do it all the time."
"You know something?"
"What?"
"I've never rung abroad in my whole life."
Honest, I promise, he DID say that. You see, it's all about geography.
