Mad daaaargs and Englishmen

I'm a Brit in Washington DC, working as the Pentagon Correspondent for The Times (of London), you have to add that here because of the New York Times, Los Angeles Times etc. This is the start of my odds and sods reflections on the American way of life.


You have to know that dogs play a huge part in the American life. I mean huge. We love our dogs but these guys and girls here just luuurv their dargs. Very common sight in Old Town Alexandria where I live are women of a certain age clutching tiny dogs to their bosoms, more often than not attired in sweetie little ribbons - the dogs not the bosoms . But get this for a conversation the other day, and to read this you have to do so in a long Virginia drawl.

Woman and child approaches man and woman with large dog.
"Oh I just luuurv your daaarg."
"Uhun."
"Can I stroke your daarg?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"What d'you call her?"
"George W, Ma'am."
"Well aaright, it was nice meeting you folks, now you have a nice day d'yhear."

Overheard on the Metro going up to DC: Two women, one sitting, one standing, one black and one white.
"Hey, how's your niece?'
"She's guuurd."
Long silence.
"How's your Maaam?'
"She's guuurd, she's with my brother."
"I didn't know you have a brother."
"It's how come I gotta niece."
Priceless.

Another gem. Military-type man walks into the main "restroom" in the foyer of the Pentagon with his young son, and standing side by side before the relevant troughs, as it were, nothing seems to be happening in the son's department. After a while the father says: "Fire when you're ready buddy."


I have to say I'm in love. With American firetrucks. They are something else, two-tone, scarlett red on the bottom and white on the top and shiny shiny chrome everywhere. And they make a noise like a pregnant elephant. Wow, I'm going to have join the Fire Service or buy me one of these babies and have it parked outside my house so folks can pass by and say: "Can I stroke your firetruck?"
"Yes, Ma'am."
"Do you have a name for your firetruck?"
"George W, Ma'am."